Xena, Warrior Milkmaid

Ja! This is our heroine. Xena is from Sweden. Orphaned as a child, Xena was raised by a cow herder and his herd of cows. He taught her the family trade of herding and milking cows. She grew up to be strong and healthy, but a little bull-headed. She eventually joined the Norwegian Camel Corps, in hopes of finding adventure and excitement. Through hard work and dedication, she climbed to the rank of Peon, First Class. She planned to milk her military career for all it was worth.

Then one fateful day, a local village was raided by cattle thieves. As a member of the Camel Corps, Xena felt obliged to help. She pursued the bandits until she caught them and stomped them into yogurt. Grateful for the return of their cows and the squashing of the bandits, the village gave Xena their prize cow, Argyle. Reminded of her love for cows, Xena eventually left the Norwegian Camel Corps to travel the world with Argyle. Thus began the adventures of Xena Warrior Milkmaid.

Gabby, the Swiss Miss

The daughter of a wealthy lord, Gabby was not content to spend her days in idle luxury. In search of her misfortune, she left her home one day and became a tavern wench in the nearest village. Unfortunately for the tavern, Gabby was aptly named. She liked to argue with the customers over the metaphysical implications of a glass being half-empty or half-full. One customer remarked, "She's loopier than those so called 'philosophers'." Curious about the philosophers, Gabby pestered the man for more information until he left without paying the bill.

Then one day a strange lass came to the tavern. She told Gabby she was Xena Warrior Milkmaid, the once and future Dairy Queen. Being lactose-intolerant, Gabby spent the next seven hours arguing with Xena over the virtues of milk. Did it really do a body good? But to Gabby's surprise, Xena enjoyed the argument. Disgusted, Gabby finally snapped, "I quit!"

"You do?" Xena exclaimed. "Oh good! Then you can be my side-kick and help me defend the cows from the evil Cowlisto. Without waiting for an answer, Xena grabbed Gabby and drug her out of the tavern. Everyone applauded as they left. Now the customers could finally get back to their drinking.